I anxiously awaited my virtual appointment with my nurse practitioner for the results of my biopsy the week prior. I awoke at 2a.m. so anxious for the results, I could not get back to sleep. Which was unusual as I was not this anxious for the any previous results-I think maybe deep, down inside I truly knew the truth but, was too afraid to trust myself. The infertility had made me question if I had every disorder due to fear and grappling for answers.

The majority of all the testing I have endured has come back normal, so I was assuming this would also. Assuming is not the correct word-so much as already planning on it being negative. I recently had an Ectopic Pregnancy in October. My husband and I planned on doing additional testing during the waiting period and if all was normal, then we planned on Clomid. I had already made up in my mind, as practically everything had already come back normal-that this would be normal too. I would continue on with the year of inconclusive answers of infertility. I had planned a trip to Colorado to relax with my husband and start Clomid the next month and try again. I dreamed of having a baby in fall near Thanksgiving and was hoping Clomid was the answer to our infertility. I had heard many stories of women being able to conceive after Clomid and I was hoping this would be our answer. I was trying to listen to the pure intentioned advice of others-“Relax and stop thinking about it” or “Go on vacation and forget about it” or “It will happen when you stop trying”. I can be rather anxious and have been trying my hardest to reduce stress so, I figured I would try the advice. Let’s just check the boxes of the testing, have normal results, go on vacation, and see what happens with Clomid. My dad always reminds me that when “we plan, God laughs”. There could not have been more truth to that statement.

As I spoke with Ashely, my nurse practitioner, she started with the good news-HSG is normal and negative for Endometritis. I thought here we go, all negative and I can start Clomid next month. Then the news hit me-I was positive for BCL-6, which is a predictor for Endometriosis. I was honestly speechless. I don’t know if it’s because I assumed it would be negative. Or since I’ve been hoping for an answer to explain the recurrent pregnancy loss I’ve had. Or because I’ve quietly suspected this could be a possibility for many years. She discussed my options and said she would call me back later in the day.

I sat there just allowing the emotions flow through me. Happy to have a diagnosis and answer but, on the flip side dreading what I knew the outlook could be. I called my husband and he said “well that makes sense-you’ve thought for years you might have this”. It validated the pain with sex that I told my first OBGYN about when I was 18 years old and she stated that it was because, I just wasn’t used to sex. It validated that my periods were so heavy and painful that I had to miss school, work, or events. It validated my GI symptoms that I have struggled with for so long. It validated the reason for the infertility my husband and I have been experiencing for the past 2+ years since we married. It validated the worst pain in my life on my right side before my wedding, which was not worked up properly. It validated every feeling I had in my gut about my health and own body. It validated that I wasn’t crazy.

It inspired this blog as this is a common disorder-1 in 10 woman have Endometriosis. The statistics are staggering and it often takes years for a diagnosis. In a world skewed with disadvantages to women-it is time for empowerment and equal health. I am creating a space for woman to trust themselves, their intuition, and their gut feeling. To gain information and to advocate for themselves and their health. Trust yourself.