The past few months have gone by in a quick blur since my diagnosis of Endometriosis. My husband and I went on our vacation and relaxed. Then we had some unexpected stress with a plumbing issue at our home. After that ordeal, I was working to get the house and unfinished projects in order. The last two months have flown by.
Approximately one week ago I went for blood work and then my surgery was on Good Friday. Laparoscopy is the gold standard for a diagnosis of Endometriosis to explore and determine the stage of the disease. I’m awaiting my follow up for those results-as I was in a haze from anesthesia after surgery. My husband and I are hoping that this will be the answer and will be able to start our family soon. In the mean time, I am taking plenty of time to rest and heal. It’s actually been a very strange time. It’s given the space to reflect on many events in my life. It’s allowed healing of trauma. I’ve wept almost daily since the surgery and not necessarily because of the physical pain. My life has been filled with a continuous bustle and busy-which I previously thought I have always thrived. Now that I’ve been forced to slow down, I’ve realized that the always busy and productive Americanized culture is so toxic. I’m not blaming any that thrive on it-as that was previously me. I’m realizing that I never slowed down enough to digest trauma, process life, or appreciate life in general. I’ve always had a future or past mindset, instead of focusing on the present. I’ve realized the error in my ways and how it has implicated a life of stress.
I wanted nothing more than to be successful after high school. I was a typical Type-A, naturally driven, and focused on achievement. Achievement and success were the most important aspects of my life. I went to nursing school and finished in which I immediately began working on a pot-op surgical floor and completing my Bachelors online. My ultimate goal was to became a Nurse Practitioner so, once I finished my BSN I applied and was accepted to a Master’s program. After finishing my Masters and passing boards-I started working as an FNP. My husband and I started dating after he attended my FNP graduation party my dad threw me. A few short years later my then fiancé and I started a rental property company. To say that the past 10 years of my life has been busy, would be an understatement. I just always saw myself as a person that loved to stay busy and productive. Now turn to today-where I have a 2 week break to rest and heal from surgery. It’s been hard to say the least. I am generally not a person that doesn’t have time slots planned and filled with things to do. I was always in a rush mindset of “I can’t relax until….x, y, z, is completed”. Staying busy was keeping me “happy”. Having less than a week off so far has made me realize that my relentless quest for staying busy-was actually a coping mechanism. Sure, it’s important to stay focused and attain goals in your early 20’s. But slowing down has made me realize that there are many more important things in life. Your health, your relationships, your family, etc. It’s so easy to take these things for granted until something changes.
This break has been transformational. I’ve allowed myself to feel every emotion and process past pain. My soul feels lighter-although it was darker during the times of processing over the past week. It’s hard to explain but, it’s almost like the anesthesia had blessed me with an out of body experience. It was like I could evaluate my life and myself from above myself. I saw ways that I could improve my health, stress levels, relationships, marriage, etc. I have been taking time to do those things and slow down. I’ve been enjoying sunshine filled walks daily-which is part of my healing journey for surgical recovery. I’ve been napping when I need to. I’ve been reading outside in my hammock and breathing fresh air. I’ve been researching healthy, nutritious, anti-inflammatory ways of eating to improve my health. I’ve been spending endless time talking on the phone with family and friends. I’ve been appreciating my husband for always making me laugh and being there through everything. I’ve slowed down and for the better. I plan to keep these changes in my life. To savor and enjoy life more. To find the holistic version of myself that I’ve always desired to become. My goal is slow-maxing and I am so happy for this new journey. This surgery-wether it improves fertility or not-has been an unexpected blessing in disguise.